The Doctor Versus The Spaceballs
by cheri1
Summary: Twelve/Clara. Crackfic. Spaceballs crossover. The Doctor and Clara have been captured by the most diabolic and feared group of people in the entire galaxy. The Spaceballs! FINISHED.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Rented Spaceballs last night for a friend who'd never seen it and typically, a plot bunny came into being while watching it with her.

Chapter One

"Yeah, I'm traveling again," Clara said to Danny over the phone while she stood by the console. "Not sure where we're going. Most of the time its just go somewhere and hope for the best."

She glanced at Twelve who was glancing at his monitor while he flew the TARDIS.

"Yes, I'll be fine, don't worry about me," Clara said to Danny. "Been doin' this for nearly two years now and…"

She gasped when the TARDIS jerked and she nearly fell on her face. She managed to right herself but the TARDIS was vibrating hard and she heard the Doctor mutter a curse under his breath.

"What's happening?" Clara said, her voice vibrating along with the TARDIS.

"Tractor beam, we're being pulled in," the Doctor yelled, his voice also shaking.

"Gotta go, talk to you later," Clara said to Danny.

"Clara, what's going on, what's he doing to you?"

Clara ignored Danny and ended the phone call. She put the mobile back in the pocket of her black leather jacket and zipped it closed as she walked to the console and held on to it.

"Can't you do something?" she said to the Doctor.

"Trying right now but it's locked in on us," the Doctor said, flipping switches.

"And you can't break free? I thought this was the most magnificent ship in the universe!"

"It is but that doesn't mean a tractor beam can't grab hold of it! Just hold tight and see where this takes us."

"Great, love it when we get potluck," Clara said as she hung on to the console for dear life.

Five minutes later, the vibration stopped and the TARDIS became still. The Doctor walked around the console, his eyes toward the front door.

"Are you going to look outside then?" Clara asked him.

"I think I better had," the Doctor said, nodding.

"What if you open the door and someone immediately shoots you?"

The Doctor snorted.

"Been there, done that," he said.

Clara followed him to the door. The Doctor paused for a moment with his hand on the door handle before he slowly opened it and looked outside. Clara stood beside him, waiting for him to jerk his head back inside. Instead, she heard this deep malevolent laughter outside the box.

"So," the deep voice said, "there is someone inside! You will surrender to me now or face painful, horrible, excruciating death!"

"Yeah, he sounds really friendly," Clara said, rolling her eyes.

The Doctor stuck his head back in the TARDIS and Clara saw a bemused expression on his face.

"Come on, my Clara, we must surrender to this lot or face, horrible, painful, excruciating death," he said to her.

"Why? We could just stay in here and no one would be able to get at us."

"No, we really must surrender to this lot," he said, giving her a pointed look.

"What's so funny?" she said when she noticed that he was barely able to contain his laughter.

"Come here and see for yourself," he said, pointing out the door.

Clara walked around him and the Doctor opened the door wider so she could see. She stopped beside him and did a double take when she saw a short man dressed all in black with an enormous, black Darth Vader helmet covering his head. She even noticed he seemed to be wearing a plastic tie. Beside him stood a tall man, erect and professional looking with black trousers, a grey tunic and grey hat. Around them stood men wearing white and black tunics, black trousers and helmet shaped like billiard balls.

"Aha, there is another one in this box," the oversized helmet said as he pointed to her. "Excellent, you are now the prisoners of Dark Helmet!"

"Dark Helmet?" Clara muttered while Twelve shook with silent laughter. "No way, this is not happening. Has to be a dream."

"So, what will it be," Dark Helmet said dramatically. "Surrender or death?"

"Oh surrender, most definitely," the Doctor said as he ushered Clara outside before stepping out and shutting the door. "We are in awe of your evil genius."

"As you should be! We Spaceballs are the most fearsome beings in the galaxy!"

"Spaceballs?" Clara muttered while the Doctor grinned.

"Now, you will be taken to the securest cell we have and held there until I decide your fate! Colonel Sanders!"

"Sir!" Colonel Sanders said stiffening.

"Colonel Sanders?" Clara said while the Doctor bit his lip to keep from laughing.

"Escort the prisoners to the cell block and remember, they must be kept alive until we decided what to do with them!"

"Yes, Lord Helmet! You!" he said, pointing to the Doctor and Clara. "Come with me and no funny business."

"Wouldn't dream of it, lead on…Colonel Sanders," the Doctor said.

Colonel Sanders frowned when both he and Clara giggled insanely at that before they held up their hands and walked over to him.

"Yes, you will soon know the power of Dark Helmet!" Dark Helmet said as Clara and the Doctor walked away giggling as Colonel Sanders followed them with a laser blaster aimed at their backs.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

The Doctor and Clara were escorted to a prison block near the center of the ship. What amused the Doctor was so far no one searched him or his friend for weapons of any kind. He wondered if that was part of the arrogance of the Spaceballs that they thought they could handle any threat that came their way.

The cell block was filled with large steel doors on either side of the narrow corridor. Colonel Sanders stopped them beside one in the middle of the corridor and they watched while he punched in a code in a keypad beside it. Colonel Sanders was making no effort to conceal what he was doing and the Doctor noted the door code was 65721 before the door slid open. Inside was a small steel cell with a steel bench jutting from the wall at the back of the room.

"Inside now!" Colonel Sanders said.

"Okay, we're going," the Doctor said, still surprised that he wasn't going to search them.

He strolled inside after Clara, hands in his pockets, confident that he and his friend could outwit and escape from the egotistical, idiotic loonies on this ship. The door slid shut and the Doctor stood by the door and waited while Clara sat down on the bench.

"So…we've been captured by idiots then," Clara said.

"Yup. Looks like it," the Doctor said, watching the door.

The mobile rang in Clara's pocket. She unzipped it and took it out. She groaned when she recognized Danny's number.

"Yeah?" she said, answering it.

"Oh thank God, you're still alive," Danny said. "Where are you?"

"I think we're on a spaceship populated by idiots and some Darth Vader lookalike with a penis helmet."

"What?" Danny said while the Doctor giggled at that. "Penis helmet?"

"Yeah, it has to be seen to be believed."

Clara watched as the Doctor took his screwdriver out of his jacket pocket, aimed it at the door and it slid open with no resistance. The Doctor gave Clara a pointed look and pointed to the open door.

"Yeah, I think we're gonna have an easy time escaping so I think I'll see you later tonight. For dinner?" Clara said, standing up and walking over to him.

"Yeah, keep me informed of what's going on."

"Roger that," Clara said. "Gotta go right now, escaping so see you soon."

"See you soon."

Clara ended the call and put the mobile back in her pocket. As she zipped it up, she noticed no guards or anyone else was nearby.

"Yup, easy peasy," the Doctor said, putting his hands in his pockets as he casually strolled down the corridor.

"What if it's a trap though?" Clara said.

"Oh come now, Oswald, you're giving these people waaaay too much credit," the Doctor said. "I'm a very good judge of character and this so-called Dark Helmet couldn't terrorize an old lady, let alone a block of wood."

They entered a large room and paused when they saw ten people working at consoles. The consoles lined both sides of the room and there were five to a side, all wearing the black and white outfits with the ball helmets. Everyone was so intent on what they were doing that no one noticed the intruders. The Doctor smirked and walked over to the first man on the right side of the room. He expected the man to be looking at radar or data but instead was shocked to find him watching porn. He stood right behind him, hands behind his back, watching while a man and a woman had sex. The sound was muted but the Doctor didn't have to hear it to know what he was watching.

"Good porn?" he said to the man.

"Oh yeah, really good."

The Doctor waited for the man or any of the men to look at him but instead the man watched his porn and no one else looked up from what they were doing. The Doctor turned to Clara with an "I told you so," look on his face before walking back to her.

"Okay, now I believe you about this escape being easy," Clara said softly as they walked across the room and out the other door.

They headed back towards the spaceport so they could get back inside the TARDIS before the practical joke turned deadly and someone started shooting at them. But as they passed by a steel door, they heard loud moaning coming from inside it. The Doctor paused and stared at it for a moment in thought while Clara softly urged him to move on. Then the Doctor used his screwdriver on the door and it slid open. They peered inside and saw Dark Helmet sitting at a table with his back to them. Beside him was a large steel bed with white pillows and blankets on it.

"Ooooh, you're so magnificent, Dark Helmet!" he was saying in a high pitched voice as he sat at the table. "Much better than the old fart I came here with."

The Doctor and Clara glanced at one another before they silently snuck into the room. As they came up behind him, Clara was shocked to see him playing with a tiny action figure of herself and a tiny action figure of himself. Nearby was a tiny action figure of the Doctor. Dark Helmet was holding the action figures in both hands while he made them face each other.

"And now," Dark Helmet said in a deep voice as he moved his figure up and down, "you will become my queen, mystery woman."

"No, I will never leave my boyfriend," Dark Helmet said in a high pitched voice as he moved Clara's figure up and down. "He means everything to me and we have great sex together."

The Doctor slammed his hand over his mouth and gnashed his teeth to keep the laughter in while Clara looked at the dolls in a stunned silence. Dark Helmet put Clara's action figure down and picked up the Doctor's action figure.

"Just what do you think you're doing to my love slave?" he said in a whiney voice as he moved the Doctor's action figure up and down. "She is mine and mine alone!"

"No, you cannot have her! She was meant for me!" Dark Helmet added in the deep voice as he moved his own figure up and down.

By now, the Doctor was fighting to hold the laughter in and was shaking with it. Clara put her hands on her hips and resisted the urge to smack him on the helmet. She raised an eyebrow when Dark Helmet hit the Doctor action figure with his own.

"Oh no, I'm dyyying!" he said as he made the Doctor action figure writhe around on the table. "Curse you, Dark Helmet!"

"That is what comes of people who defy my majesty!" Dark Helmet said in a deep voice as he let go of the Doctor and picked up Clara. "And now, we shall have hot sex."

"No, you are repulsive to me but…strangely attractive. I can't…resist you."

The Doctor burst out laughing when Dark Helmet laid the Clara action figure on the table and put his on top, simulating hot sex. Dark Helmet immediately dropped the action figures, spun around and both the Doctor and Clara were shocked to see the front of the helmet was up, exposing his bespectacled, nerdy face.

"Hey, how'd you get in my room?" he said to them in his normal, whiney voice.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Dark Helmet stared at them for a moment before he quickly reached up, grabbed the front of his helmet and slid it back down.

"How dare you invade my personal quarters!" he said in a deep voice. "You will be severely punished for this!"

By now, Clara wasn't the least bit scared and she and the Doctor stood there and stared at him. Dark Helmet looked from one to the other and noticed the lack of fear and looks of boredom on their faces.

"I mean it, I will show you no mercy!" he said, waving his fist at them.

Clara sighed, reached down and grabbed her action figure and the Doctor. Dark Helmet watched what she was doing before looking back at her.

"Hey, those don't belong to you!" he said, standing up.

The Doctor grinned.

"Look, Clara, finally someone your size," he said, patting the helmet.

"Stop that, I am supreme and I will not be patted like a bunny," Dark Helmet said as the Doctor jerked his hand back.

"Where did you get these?" Clara said to him as she held the action figures in front of his face.

Dark Helmet paused a moment, looking at them before he turned his attention back to her.

"I made them," he said. "Now give them back."

Clara sighed; reached down and flipped open the front of his helmet.

"Hey, quit that!" Dark Helmet said in the whiney voice.

"Look, we're not scared of you or your…Spaceballs," Clara said.

She sighed when Dark Helmet lowered the front part again.

"You should be very scared," he said in the deep voice. "Very, very scared."

"Come on, let's go home," Clara said, turning around with the action figures and walking out.

"Hey, those are mine! Bring them back!"

He started to follow her when the Doctor slammed his hand down on the front part of the helmet and jerked the front part up, exposing his face.

"Listen here, Dark Wanker," the Doctor said, leaning down into his face. "You're going to let me and my friend go and despite your sordid fantasies, she is just a friend. And if you and your friends try to stop us or indeed just cause trouble, I will come back here and I will take you and I will cram that helmet up into a very unpleasant place and given the fact that it's so big, it won't be pleasant for you!"

"But I'm Dark Helmet and you can't talk like that to me!" he said in the whiney voice. "I will make you suffer and…HEY!" he said when the Doctor reached in and snatched the glasses off his face. "Give those back, I can't see without them!"

"Aw, that's too bad, isn't it. Be even worse if I took them with me and tossed them into the vortex."

"You're mean."

The Doctor raised his eyebrow at that.

"Now that sounded like a spoiled little five year old rather than the awesome dictator of space," he said. "So…here's my proposal. You let us go and I'll give you back your glasses, All Impressive One!"

The Doctor quickly looked around to see where Clara had gotten to and noticed her standing just inside the door, leaning against it while she watched. The Doctor looked back at Dark Helmet and jerked his hand away the moment Dark Helmet tried to snatch his glasses back.

"Well, will you let us go?" he said to Dark Helmet.

"Oh, alright, just give me back my glasses and leave!" Dark Helmet said petulantly.

"Here you go," the Doctor said in a sickeningly sweet voice as he handed the glasses to him. "Bless your little cotton socks, sweetie!" he added, patting him on the helmet.

Dark Helmet snatched the glasses back from him, put them back on and slammed the front part of his helmet down.

"No go!" he said in the deep voice as he pointed to the door. "And pray I don't find you again."

"Oh yes, because that day will be the horror of horrors alright," the Doctor said before spinning around. "Come on, Clara. Before Dark Doofus throws a tantrum and makes us clean the toilets or something like that."

Clara grinned and leaned up before she walked out the door with the Doctor. Dark Helmet followed behind them.

"Can I get my dolls back?" he said to them as he trailed behind them.

"Hell no," Clara said as she held the dolls close to her chest.

"But I made them! That's stealing!"

"Dear God, he really is like a little kid," Clara said over her shoulder to the Doctor.

"And you were worried we were in some sort of mortal danger," the Doctor said as he casually walked back towards the hangar.

"Please give me back my dolls!"

"No!" Clara said, spinning around and walking back towards him. "You can't have them because you're not gonna spend your time making up weird sex scenes between me and the Doctor after we've gone. That's final so shut up about it!"

"You can't talk to me like that," Dark Helmet said, wagging his finger at her.

"Ugh! Let's go, Doctor. I'm tired of this loser," Clara said as she turned and walked away.

Dark Helmet watched her walk away before he looked at the Doctor.

"I have the right to my own property," he said to the Doctor.

"So do I and you separated us from our ship, which is my property, which is stealing, so turnabout is fair play and like Clara just said, shut up!"

"You're mean too."

The Doctor mimed playing a tiny violin before turning and walking away from him.

"I am the most awesomest thing in this entire universe!" Dark Helmet yelled at them as he stood there and let him go. "And I am proving my awesomeness by letting you both live. Because I really could destroy you at any time! Trust me on that!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Ugh! What an idiot," Clara said when she and the Doctor finally got back inside the TARDIS and shut the door.

"Oh, I don't know about that. He had a certain charm about him," the Doctor said airily over his shoulder as he walked to the console.

"Not from where I was standing," Clara muttered.

The Doctor froze for a few seconds before turning back around and walking back to Clara. Clara frowned when he plucked the action figures out of her hands and held them up in front of her, facing one another.

"Oh Doctor," the Doctor said, moving Clara's figure up and down while talking in a screechy voice, "you are so awesome and I just am in awe of you and your manliness, take me you mad fool and service my body till I can't stand it any longer."

"Shut up!" Clara said, snatching them from his hands while the Doctor roared with laughter. "Don't ever do that again."

"As you wish, my Clara," the Doctor said with a huge grin as he walked over to the console.

Clara looked at the action figures and shook her head while the Doctor powered up the TARDIS.

"Right, these are now going straight to the bin," Clara said, walking out of the room while the Doctor took the TARDIS into the vortex.

THE END.


End file.
